A BETTER WORD THAN HONESTY

Whether in our personal lives or our professional lives, our communication is the lifeblood of our relationships, and our relationships are the foundation of our leadership, and our leadership is the core of our ultimate success. Please note however, it all starts with our communication. That is precisely why giving diligent attention to all elements of our communication is in everyone’s best interests.

Do we genuinely want to be honest?

We’ve all been there either as the perpetrator or the recipient or both. Someone wants to garner attraction, be persuasive, drive home a point, close a sale, and then it happens. The conversation is prefaced with some version of these frequently used phrases: “To be honest with you, . . .” or “In all honesty, . . . ” or “Honestly, . . .” or “If I’m really being honest with you, . . .” 

I call these various phrases “honesty validators.” Somehow we believe by incorporating “honest” or “honesty” or “honestly” into our conversation, we thereby validate the truth of our words. After all, we referenced the fundamental virtue of honesty and therefore it must be more convincing. This approach suggests the transmission of insider information to which other parties do not have access; a very special favor is involved. Because a very special favor is being done, we infer it must be based on honesty, truth, and integrity. At least those are the implications that usually run through people’s minds. Unfortunately, all the above belies the presence of honesty, truth, and integrity.

Do we want to send an unintended message?

When we use honesty validators, an unintended, tragic, potent message is sent. By virtue of drawing special attention to the honesty of this communication, it implicitly sends the message that “yes, I’m being honest with you at this moment, but all my other past and future statements to you might be dishonest. So can you ever really trust me?” Perhaps that is why a very wise man once said let your yes be yes and your no be no. Adding certain qualifiers often undermines the integrity of the statement. Naturally, most people hear this and immediately declare, “No, I am being honest all the time!” Unfortunately, the unintended message contradicts that declaration, and it is the unintended message that has consequences with which we might not be happy.

If we are serious about the highest quality communication in our highest quality relationships driving our highest quality leadership, then let’s cease using these honesty validators. They merely communicate everything you actually do not want to communicate in your highest quality communication in your highest quality relationships driving your highest quality leadership.

Do we have a better word than honesty?

From repetition, habit, or example, we have all fallen prey to these honesty validators. If we genuinely want to refine our communication, then we must give deep attention to the words we use because like it or not, words have meaning, and that includes the meaning we intend to convey and the meaning the recipient interprets (which may or may not be the same). Therefore, we must ask ourselves, do we have a better word than honesty that would convey the actual meaning we want to convey? What is a word that faithfully conveys the noble nature of our communication? What is a word that does not intrinsically taint the veracity of our tongue the moment we utter it?

As a lifelong communicator and writer, I have not been immune to this problem. Indeed, I have often been one of its many victims much to my frustration at the damages it causes when I succumb. Nevertheless, having given considerable thought to this perplexing challenge, I have arrived at a solution that works very well for me. Perhaps it will for you too.

Don’t be honest—be clear.

In these communication contexts, I believe the infinitely superior simple solution is to replace honesty validators with what I call “clarity validators.” Ultimately, honesty validators while thought to be indicators of truth, are actually indicators of falsehood. Clarity validators are indicators of truth. Ponder whether you are more comfortable with these clarity validators that were formerly written as honesty validators.

• To be clear with you, . . . .
• In all clarity, . . . .
• Clearly, . . . .
• If I’m really being clear with you, . . . .

Clarity validators do not destroy the core of your soul and virtue. If anything, they elicit respect, comfort, and confidence because the recipient realizes you are trying to add accuracy and precision to your communication. On the other hand, honesty validators fundamentally destroy the core of your soul and virtue.

People will typically forgive you for fumbling clarity because anyone can make a mistake. People have a much harder time forgiving you for fumbling honesty because honesty is a choice. Therefore, unless you actually want to reveal that your words cannot be trusted, then let’s eliminate honesty validators from our conversation and instead employ clarity validators.

Prepare for your mind’s battle.

If you embrace this clarity validator logic and determine to replace all your honesty validators with clarity validators, then prepare for battle! It took me a very long time to reprogram and reinforce all my autopilot statements in my cerebral language library. At times it was very frustrating because I often caught myself the moment after my honesty validators rolled off the tip of my tongue. Nevertheless, if you genuinely embrace the clarity validator logic, then you owe it to yourself and your audience to master this linguistic method. Eventually, you will succeed in replacing your mental library of honesty validators with clarity validators, and everyone will be better for it.

Clearly, if I can do it, you can too.